Hard Things = Personal Growth

Personal growth can feel really shitty at the start. Maybe also in the middle. Okay, okay, it's possibly crappy all the way until you get to the end of some assignment you've given yourself - or perhaps the assignment was dropped in your lap by your partner or child. Either way it can take a commitment to yourself to dig in, get to work and finish. It’s a process many people simply avoid. This morning I was contemplating the growth I’ve been able to achieve these past few years by sheer force of will, and my heart began to ache with what felt like a vague but profound loss. It wasn’t a self pitying kind of ache, but a settling into awareness kind of ache. Very suddenly I had a scenic viewpoint of my history and how I unintentionally held myself back from countless discoveries over the course of my lifetime by trying to not feel shitty or by trying to avoid failure. Can you see that metaphorical snake swallowing her tail? 

I’m grateful to have this scenic viewpoint and the awareness that comes with it. Though to be honest, it feels like just enough awareness to know I need to do things differently, but not quite enough understanding to gracefully do so. I feel so very clumsy at my attempts to respond rather than react, to open rather than close, to flex rather than remain rigid, most importantly, to hold the line when all I really want to do is run for the fucking hills or give in. So goes the growth of this mother. Whether it’s conditioning or an actual condition, it hardly matters. Lately, I feel a strange comfort being deeply uncomfortable. This uncomfortable state seems to result in emotional antibodies. Could this be the burgeoning of my emotional immune system?

Like many parents who have sent their children to wilderness therapy, this personal growth was not exactly a personal choice. I recognize that if my child had not been in crisis it's possible more time and life could have passed me by. It took a great deal of effort for both my husband and I to pluck up the courage to force change within our family. We took the step not for ourselves, but for our children, but the two of us have benefited tremendously from our efforts. Recognizing, sitting with, walking through painful emotions and choices was the most pure place to begin healing.

There are some really powerful ideas and writing out there that have helped get me through these challenges with my self worth not only intact but more complete, albeit at a glacial pace. I encourage you to explore some of these solid works on shame by Brené Brown and Tara Brach, on victim-consciousness by Lynne Forrest, and on Boundaries by Brad Reedy and Brené Brown. Each one of these works has helped me to unlock one blockage after another that has been holding me back from my rational mind, and simply put, from accessing my own heart and mind. If you find yourself stuck in the muck then listen, read, walk, talk, reach out to a friend, do just one thing to take a tiny step in the direction of that hard thing. That's where you will find your answers. The best way out of darkness and struggle is through it.

Any of Brené Brown's books, I started with The Gifts of Imperfection, but they're all wonderful

Tara Brach's book Radical Acceptance

Lynne Forrest's website on the victim triangle

Evoke Therapy Podcasts - start with boundaries or family of origin.