Damn Those Ambiguous Finish Lines
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| October 7, 2017 - Moab, UT |
From the beginning of this journey, which for us started ten months ago, we’ve been asking ourselves and our team of experts; “Where is the finish line, when can we take our son home?” The answer has been; “It’s different for everyone. It’s too soon to know. Be patient.” These answers have been uncomfortable for every one of us to embrace. It’s been painful for my husband and I, and close to unbearable for our son who is away, and our son who remains home longs for his big brother. We’re getting near the finish line now, and things are coming into focus. As with so many of life’s more challenging situations, it isn’t a simple answer. There’s the therapeutic equation that needs to be superimposed onto the hard lines of the school year. Taking into consideration educational technicalities, like when a quarter ends or if you can reenter school mid-semester seem so insensitive to the real growth that has occurred in all of us.
On our last family therapy call we were finally able to give our son the definitive answer he’s been asking for since this process began. To say the news of boarding school for seven more months was disappointing doesn’t begin to describe the myriad feelings it evoked in him - all bad. It was the following day, on our social call that he began his hard push for me, the more emotionally vulnerable, to reconsider. This was an old pattern and familiar territory for both of us. It was like putting on an old pair of jeans you haven’t worn in months only to discover they still fit - after you thought you lost a bunch of weight. Damn. It seems innocent enough, him wanting to come home, and certainly understandable to us. But this is part of our unique family dynamic; we choose something we know to be the right thing which causes one of our boys discomfort. Enough discomfort to become desperately unhappy, and he will make some very compelling arguments as to why we are wrong. Then we lose confidence in a very sound decision because we become uncomfortable with his discomfort. Perfectly normal to fall back to old ways when facing difficult subject matter. It was also indicative that he needs to continue his work, and we need to continue ours. Damn. Damn.
This event has me revisiting a lesson we all worked at early on in our journey, in fact we worked on it more than once. Here we are again. When our son was at wilderness one of the assignments we were all given was to read about the Victim Triangle, also known as the Drama Triangle. Each corner of this triangle represents a state of victimhood or drama: Victim, Rescuer, Prosecutor. Often times in family systems you end up playing one roll more often, but you can move around the triangle. It’s important to know that no matter which roll you identify with, you are always being a victim. True confession: I’m the Rescuer most often, but sometimes I’m the Prosecutor. It’s important to note that at any given moment you can jump off the triangle, but first you need to be aware you’re on it. This explanation is overly simplified, but this triangle can be pervasive in people's lives. Your relationship with your child in treatment is a good place to begin to understand it. For some it’s easier to use the word drama than victim, it’s more palatable. Don’t let the uncomfortable language stop you from exploring this aspect of yourself in relation to the people around you, it is not an overstatement to say it could change your experience in relation to every person in your life. It's an empowering change of perspective.
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