Thoughts for the Parent on the Fence

Few things inflict pain more deeply than witnessing your child suffer, except perhaps not being able to effect the change that could relieve his suffering. Are you in this place? I was there not that long ago and I'm grateful for the guidance I received from a few empathetic individuals. If you find yourself at a crossroads, and one of the possible roads is Wilderness, lend me a few moments of your time, I want to share some hard-won wisdom with you.

I've come to think of Wilderness as a form of Disruptive Wellness. I would like to give you an opportunity to understand Wilderness as a healing environment, and not as banishment or punishment for misbehavior. If you have exhausted everything you know to help your child and you've gotten nowhere, here is a place to begin:

Start by clearing your mind/heart of some clutter. Deep breath in, hold. Deep breath out. Here are some completely useless feelings that may be getting in your way: frustration, shame, anger, hopelessness, fear, and entertaining the judgment of others. Toss, too the confused notion that Wilderness is a punishment. Wilderness is a powerful therapeutic environment that can help heal children and their families.

Next, put together a support system and educate yourself. Make connections with people who have taken big steps towards change. Find yourself a friend, or a friend of a friend who has personal knowledge of Wilderness - I bet there are fewer than 6 degrees of separation between you and this person. Ask if they would be willing to talk with you about their experience. It's likely you will be met with empathy and compassion and this person will be very willing to share his/her experience.

As part of your support system you will benefit greatly from an Educational Consultant. This is not an inexpensive endeavour, do it anyhow. This person has knowledge and experience beyond what you can glean from any google search and will help you choose a place specifically for your child. A good Ed Consultant spends time visiting the places s/he chooses, from Wilderness to therapeutic boarding schools and residential treatment centers. S/he will want to meet your child to make the most informed placement choice. Our ed consultant even helped select our child's therapist at Wilderness and then helped in communication when we needed it, and then helped find a placement after Wilderness. Of course, you must get references and check them.

Another helpful support is a family therapist to assist you with your own work while your child is at Wilderness. For our part, we couldn't have done it without our family therapist, and I wish we had found her before our child was in Wilderness. Look for someone interested in Family Systems, this is key.

If you would indulge me for a moment I have a guided visualization for you; close your eyes and picture your child as a content, successful adult. Then, picture your child as s/he is right now. Is s/he on the right road to get there? This was an exercise I did repeatedly until I realized I, myself didn't even know where that road was or how to get him there.

Understand this will be work. Do it anyhow, do it out of and with love. Forgive everyone, even yourself. Move towards change and disrupt the unhealthy behaviors that are holding everyone in your family hostage. Hold yourself, your spouse and your child with compassion. Go forth and get some new tools with which to build connection, understanding and contentment.

There were a number of times over the course of the past nine months that we have considered pulling the plug and bringing our child home. We miss him, he misses everything, he did great and then made some major backslides, he was angry at us, hated where he was and we wanted to be able to do this all ourselves without so much help - these were painful emotions and it hurt to witness his struggle. All I can say is, stay the course. You are the leader, even if you doubt yourself don't share your doubts with your child. S/he will gain strength from your resolve (even if you feel weak in it). Progress and change are hard and sometimes painful. But it isn't the helpless, hopeless almost desperate kind of painful it once was. This is growth we may never have achieved without staying the course. Honestly, our work continues to unfold as we live our lives and I expect this to be the case forever. But we have all gained mad skills and self confidence, we're communicating better, and we have true connection now. It isn't perfect, but it's much better and that will also continue to grow with dedication, openness, and work.

My hope for you, Parent on the Fence, is after reading this you can climb off your fence. If you land on the Wilderness side of the fence, don't wait. Pick up the phone and call an Ed Consultant. You deserve the help to heal and be well and so does your child.